Empty
by Kai
Summary: Celena thinking. Spoilers. Some other stuff. Not for an Allen fan. Or at least an Allen fan who dislikes Allen bashing...


Empty   
By: Kai   
I don't own Esca. Because if I did, Van and Hitomi would have kissed. And not just hugged. Urgg. Also, I get no profit for this. Nothing. So, there's no reason to sue.   
Opening notes: There's more at the end, but let's get a couple things straight: I don't like Allen. Nope. He is a jerk. I have a funny habit of not liking pretty jerks. Also, I have gotten sequel requests on stories I haven't had any intention of finishing before, so before you ask, no. This story will not have a sequel. Unless I die, and then some one else can write it. Anyway, I'm done bitching. Enjoy. And, don't forget to reveiw it. ^_^   
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It was winter. The type of winter that made you want to stay inside, and hide under a blanket in front of the fire. The type of winter that left you feeling empty inside after the sun went down. And all that was coupled with the fact that I really was empty inside. 

I didn't know much about what had happened to me. I knew about Dilandau, and the sorcerers, and Dornkirk, and the war, of course, but I also knew that I wasn't me anymore. I was a changed version of the innocent Celena. The innocent little girl, who disappeared one day in a feild full of flowers. I wasn't her. I couln't remember being her. 

I think that was what he expected of me. After my hair got a little longer, and I could smile again, he would always look at me the way a big brother looks at his baby sister, and I guess that makes sense, but I wasn't really his baby sister anymore. Somwhere in my ten years of being gone, my years of being Dilandau, I had stopped being Celena Schezar. I think he realized that. He may have tried to treat me like I was still his sister, but his actions counted more than those looks. And those looks weren't always the same. Sometimes, he looked at me like I've seen him look at Eries, and at Millerna. And it scares me. I know that inside, I'm not his sister, but somewhere in those ten years I had become more like Dilandau than I would have liked to admit. At least a sane Dilandau. If there was such a thing. 

I hate him. And I hate them. I hate them for changing me, and leaving me alone, and causing the still occuring nightmares of war, pain, death, and blood. And I hate him for expecting me to emerge Celena, even though he knew what I was, and what I had gone   
through. 

Off handedly, I pushed the window open, and leaned out, breathing the cold, stiff air for a few seconds. It hurt. Cold air does that to you when you're warm. It feels like it punctures your lungs almost. Like it doesn't fit. Reaching a fist into the snow, I raised my eyes to the night sky, taking in the stars with a passive gaze. Gaea was a beautiful place. The Mystic Moon. It's above the western mountains tonight, shining it's blue light onto Gaea like some sort of claim. Without realizing it, my thoughts turn to that girl. Kanzaki Hitomi... That was her name. 

Hitomi... I had wanted to kill her. She ruined all my plans of capturing the Dragon... My eyes widened with a sort of shock. That was the first time since I had changed back that I had thought of myself as Dilandau. But I had been Dilandau. I was him. I brought my hand out of the snow, and pressed it aagainst my fevered forehead. The thoughts of Hitomi bring other thoughts... Jajuka... Shesta.... Gatty.... Miguel.... They were all dead. Then came the thoughts of the ones I had killed.... Like the Doppelganger.... Zongi. It had been him that had told me about Kanzaki Hitomi. Damn Kanazaki Hitomi. It was her fault I was thinking these things. 

"Celena?" Came a voice from inside the room. 

I whirled around, pulling the window shut behind me. "Oo-- Oniisama." I sank back against the window, trying to adjust to his presence. 

He crossed the room in a few strides, feeling my forehead, and checked my pulse, like some kind of mother bird. Annoyed, I brushed him off, and retreated to my bed, suddenly overly tired. Maybe it was because I knew why he was there. And I didn't want him to be there. 

"Oniisama, I'm kind of tired tonight... I think I should just go to bed early and --" 

He looked at me as though I was fatally ill or something. He sat down beside me, hands running over me, probably looking for some kind of physical injury. I hope. 

"Are you okay?" 

I shuddered, and pushed him away, tired of everything. I was tired of him. I was tired of what he.... No, I was not about to start thinking about that. Not tonight. 

"I told you I'm tired. Can you just leave now?" 

He raised an eyebrow, looking dumb rather than intrigued, which I supposed he had been going for. "Maybe I should --" 

"Maybe you should leave." The words were harsh, but Allen always had been dense. 

He looked like he was about to go, but before he did, he leaned forward, and kissed me, probably trying one last ploy to let him stay the night. I let him, at first, hoping he'd get the picture. Eventually, I guess he got the picture, and left, shooting me one last glance before he walked out the door. 

I didn't bother changing. At that point in the eveing, I felt almost sick, and yet, too tired to care. It was all futile. My life. I wondered what that king would say if I asked him if I could go stay in Fanelia. Probably not. I tried to kill him. But them again, I had tried to kill my brother too. 

And that night, not for the first, and certainly not for the last time, I wish I had.   
  
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My notes: Are you thinking that maybe I should have done this before? Well, I don't agree. Anyway, sorry if that sickened you, and sorry if you're an Allen fan and the bashing offended you. I was watching the episode when you first see Celena, right after Hitomi goes back to Earth, and Allen says "I guess she just reminded me of Celena," or something along those general lines. And I said "Ewww." And then, I wrote a fic. There's not much in the series on Celena, so I had to wing it. And... What d'you think? Oh, yeah, in case you forgot, I don't like Allen. That's why I made fun of him. And I do like Dilandau. Poor guy, he has terrible relations.   
  



End file.
